Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
