Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
