Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
