I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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