we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
