just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
