Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
