how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
