Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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