Cold hands, warm shart.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
