So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
