TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
