happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
