Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my shit smells like andre
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
