Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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