Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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