he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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