mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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