I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
