what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
