chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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