you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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