My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
