I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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