the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
