Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
