Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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