It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
