I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
