i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
