I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
