quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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