wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
