sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
