Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
