Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
