Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
