I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize