I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
