i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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