your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
