drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This can only be settled by a dance off.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
