non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I want a musical about memes.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
