oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
