No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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