so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
