I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
