I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
