3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
