Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
