That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
