i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
