dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
