you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
