I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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