I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
