there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
