Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
