i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
